Each year, the second Saturday in September marks the National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children. This day allows space for us as individuals and as a community to mourn the loss of these precious children lost to abortion. For those personally affected by abortion, it can also provide something especially important: a space to mourn without condemnation. It is an opportunity for the Church to stand in solidarity with those suffering from this loss.
For many men and women who have participated in abortion, acknowledging the child who was lost and allowing oneself to grieve can be an important part of the healing journey. Yet encountering this grief is often a difficult task. It requires facing honestly what has happened: a human life was lost to abortion. The language surrounding abortion can often depersonalize the child, reducing him or her to “tissue,” “cells,” or simply a pregnancy to be ended. Healing can involve moving beyond those abstractions and acknowledging the unique human life that was lost, not merely a biological reality, but a son or daughter.
This realization can lead to complicated emotions. Some feel they have no right to grieve because they participated in the decision that ended their child’s life, or because they believe their own responsibility disqualifies them from mourning. But this is not the message of Christ or his Church. Grief can become part of healing, allowing both the dignity of the child and the dignity of the parent to be more fully recognized.
Sister Patricia Marie Bernette puts it this way: “Death does not end love. The love that you have always had for this child may be tucked away in a far corner of your mind and heart.” (God’s Mercy Awaits You).
Grief after abortion can be especially difficult to express because it often lacks the public rituals and social recognition that ordinarily accompany the death of a child. There is no “right” way to grieve this loss. Some may feel called to grieve publicly, while others need privacy. As Catholics, we are called to respect that grief and bear witness to God’s mercy and forgiveness.
Our Church has created many opportunities for healing, prayer, and remembrance after abortion. Rachel memorials throughout our Archdiocese stand as permanent monuments for children lost to abortion. Events like the memorial prayer service at Gate of Heaven Cemetery on Sept. 12 allow grief to be acknowledged within the Church. Parish-based memorials and prayer vigils for children lost to abortion, miscarriage, and stillbirth also create space to bear this grief without requiring anyone present to publicly identify the circumstances of their loss.
Private acts of remembrance can also be deeply meaningful. Planting a tree, creating a small memorial or prayer card, naming a child, writing a letter, or offering a Mass can provide ways to honor the child while continuing the healing journey.
Whatever way you feel called to grieve, rest assured that you are allowed to do so. God desires your healing, and healing does not mean leaving your child behind. You can entrust your child to God’s mercy and carry his or her memory forward in hope. Your grief is not forgotten by God or by his Church. The love revealed in that grief need not be erased or left behind. You may carry the memory of your child with you, honoring the gift of his or her life, however brief it was. In this way, remembrance can become a source of hope as you journey ever closer to heaven and to the God of infinite mercy and love.